Merlin Help Us
by DemonsCanLove
Summary: Sirius Black is my best friend. Sirius Black is the most annoying person alive. Sirius Black is a complete and utter slut.This one I believe is popular opinion among the girls of Hogwarts, not just my own. Honestly. SBxOC JPxLE RLxDM


I love, love, love the Mauraders. I never wanted to write a story involving them because I didn't think I could pull them off, Sirius and Remus mostly, they are such incredible and intense characters I thought it would be impossible. But here I am attempting.

I hope you enjoy this, to my best friend who encourages me no end, to my boyfriend who also encourages me and to Felix, for everything.

**Disclaimer: I don't but if I did own the Mauraders I would be the happiest person alive.

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**Sirius Black is my best friend.

Well, he likes to think he is. In the way where he can break some witches heart and come complain to me about how she is_ still_ sending him howlers and begging for forgiveness the day after. He does this regularly, my usual reply is somewhere along the lines of "Did you use a contraceptive charm? 'Cause if you didn't Merlin help us." To which he responds by sighing and tutting until I give him sympathy, which I always do, even though we both know he doesn't deserve. He does get best friend points for the ice cream he gives me and the broken noses he gives the ex boyfriends when my occasional break ups happen. Note the word occasional, not everyday like _some people._ Although he could just leave that part to James, who likes to play big brother too. Peter also likes to play families but he always wants to be the mum, which I find deeply unsettling.

Sirius Black is the most annoying person alive.

This is also true to the extreme, but it's me that likes to think it, not him. I mean, really who raps on your window at three in the morning to go scare the hell out of Filch. Black, that's who. Who hides under your bed until you're just about to get in it and then jumps out screaming like a girl? Black, that's who. And who sends your boyfriend letters pretending to be you and tells him you have decided to become celibate? Black, that's who. What's worse is I don't think he even tries to be annoying, he just is.

Sirius Black is a complete and utter slut.

This one I believe is popular opinion among the girls of Hogwarts, not just my own. Honestly. He is a slut, possibly the biggest one to strut along the halls of Hogwarts, or shove unsuspecting girls into broom cupboards. He gets around far too much; he's even ventured into Slytherin because he's shagged the brains out of everyone else. Well, not quite literally. There's still me, Lily and a fair few Ravenclaws. He says Ravenclaws are too clingy, I just think they're too intelligent and he doesn't understand what they are talking about half the time.

Sirius told me to write three facts about him and when I refused, he picked the first one for me. He's actually forcing everyone within the vicinity to do so. Remus sighed and just got started. Smart boy, he knew that arguing did no good against Sirius because he just whined and whined and fucking whined until we do it; at least he didn't get the pout and endless pleading. James eventually gave in; under the condition Sirius did the same for him. Lily just glared until he turned tail and bothered some other poor soul which turned out to be Peter, who almost wet himself when Sirius' full attention was focused on him.

"Done." I declared, pushing my page towards Sirius. The prat was lying upside down on the sofa with his head hanging off it. His t-shirt was riding up and some 4th years were ogling the exposed flesh. He had a pen in his mouth, pretending to think because let's face it he can't really and its all an act.

Without turning his head, he demanded, "Read it to me."

I rolled my eyes, "Oh Sirius, I forgot that your condition stopped you from reading properly." I replied, setting the page down.

"And I just remembered yours makes you a bitch." He replied, scribbling on his page something that looked like a snitch. He was describing James, I supposed it was fitting.

James snorted, looked at his page and handed it towards Sirius who immediately snatched it up and began to read, his grey eyes scanned the page quickly, "I am not arrogant." He said accusingly, turning to stare at his best friend.

I, Lily and Remus grinned, "Mate, it's not a bad thing." James replied, shrugging.

"But I'm not; it's not my fault I am ridiculously good looking." Sirius said, fluffing his hair up and lounging back on the sofa.

"You are not ridiculously good looking Black, you're head is too far up your arse for anyone to even think about admiring it." Lily retorted, without lifting her head from her Charms homework.

"Is that jealousy I hear, Lilykins?" Sirius said, fluttering his eyelashes at the redhead.

"Oh I didn't know your hearing was affected too." I piped in causing Sirius to scowl at me.

"Some best friend you are." He said, turning his head away in a huff.

"But I thought James was your best friend." I replied, as sweetly as possibly.

"Oh James is it now? That's just fine Sirius." Remus said from his armchair near the fire, his brown eyes sparkling with mirth.

"I hate you all with equal passion." He declared, dramatically bounding from the sofa to rugby tackle me into James.

Offf was the general noise of protest, from James and myself. There was a tangle of limbs, two sets well built and extremely heavy, might I add especially when said limb is digging into your face and stomach. "Gerrof Padfoot." Said James' muffled voice from somewhere near my feet, my mouth was covered by black hair. I considered taking a chunk out of it but it could possibly be James'.

Remus couldn't stop laughing and Peter was applauding his chubby hands. Even Lily managed a chuckle at the supposedly hilarious sight, I for one did not find it amusing in the slightest but that's only me. The rest of the common room decided to clear far away from us, in case Sirius spotted them and wanted to pull some stupid stunt on them. I did see Michelle Westwood and her giggling gang of followers step forward and attempt to approach the now giggling Sirius. "Oh Merlin, man the Harpoons," James whispered into my ear, I spluttered with laughter which caused the whales to glance scathing my way. A lesser person would have flinched, James just grinned.

"Sirius, darling?" I heard her voice screech, from somewhere above me, something was still blocking my eyes which I now recognised as James' head.

"Shelly?" Sirius replied, lifting himself of me and James, and stepping closer to her. He's a braver man than I am; I secretly suspect she has some kind of sexual disease. Well, not so secretly as I tell people on a regularly basis, mainly everyday.

"Darliing, I thought you might like to take me to Hogsmeade this weekend." She declared, fluttering her eyelashes at the idiot.

"Of course, love, only since you asked so charmingly." Sirius replied, flicking his thick hair out of his face and leaning closer to her. I suspect he was being sarcastic, I don't think she has the wit to understand that though. Well, at least she has good looks.

"Oh really? I heard Catherine Kennedy say you were taking her in Charms." She said, looking closely at his face for any hints of hesitation. Sirius of course, was far too quick for her well planned scheme. It was sad really that, that amazingly delivered line probably took her whole week to plan.

He simply leaned close to her ear and whispered, "Oh love, you know you're the only one I've got eyes for."

"Yeah, this week at least." Lily said to me with disgust evident her voice. I laughed and James sniggered and Lily glared at him.

He held his hands up in a defensive manner, "I was only appreciating your wit, Lily flower."

"Eavesdropping more like." She returned, shoving her belongings into her bag and swinging it over her shoulder.

"Night Cat." She said before disappearing up the dormitory stairs, her red hair flowing behind her like fire, ironic.

"Stop trying so hard, let her come to you." I said, to the now dejected James.

He glowered at me, "That's what Sirius said." He said, wryly.

"Well it seems to work for him." I said, motioning to Sirius and Michelle who were currently trying to vacate the common room as fast as possible, most likely to find the nearest broom closet.

"Yeah, but Lily's special. You know that." He replied, in an accusing manner, as if I personally had attacked Lily's virtue.

I smiled at him; he really was a great guy, one who would treat Lily with respect even if he could be an arrogant prick at times. Not that I'd ever admit it to Lily but they would make a great couple. He really was the best cousin a girl could ask for, except when he has insomnia and decides everyone needs to be awake at the same time he is. That was horrendous.

I decided then it was time to go to bed, I have a potions exam tomorrow and Merlin knows they're a bitch. Also, I was terrified Peter might try to talk to me. That sounds mean, but he is annoying. More annoying than Sirius. I think it's really to do with his voice, it's higher than most girls and when you hang around with people, well James and Sirius who are the epitome of manliness it just gets awkward and embarrassing. He makes every situation embarrassing.

So I decided to move myself sharpish, dragging myself from the sofa, I slung my arms around James and Remus, said my goodbyes which James completely dramatised, I rolled my eyes and clamoured up the stairs and flew into bed.

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The morning came not so bright and too early if you ask me, I awoke to Lily stumbling around our room in post sleep mode. She slammed into the bathroom and left me and 3 other girls now rudely awakened. Not that she did it on purpose, she probably didn't hear the racket she created, and she probably thought she was being quiet. Besides who in their right mind would mention it to her at this time? Lily has a crazy morning mood. Guess it comes with being a redhead. Needless to say James used to end up with an early morning hospital wing appointment nearly every morning, now he generally gets up at 6 much to the distain of his roommates and goes to practice, by himself might I add. Sirius told him he'd rather have sex with Peter than join him. Another Sirius fact, he is not a morning person either. Í really don't see why him and Lily aren't friends.

Lily exited the shower and it was my turn to dash for the shower before Marley beat me to it, fast that girl. Fighting spirit as well, beat the hell out of me. I made it into the shower and out in record time, using a drying spell on my hair. This usually does nothing for the frizzy wavy mess on the top of my head, it is not curly. Lily's hair is curly, in fucking perfect ringlets. It is not straight like Alice's pixie hair, or even nice and wavy like Marley's. No, mine is a frizz ball that sticks out like lighting from my head, it doesn't help that I'm blonde either, goes perfectly with the whole storm image.

Generally I use a straightening spell on my hair and then get Lily to do it as well, because lets face it charms really is her forte. Bloody brilliant that girl except when she's all stroppy because of that charming cousin of mine. When I finished getting ready, I lay on my bed.

"Are you going back to sleep?" A horror-struck Lily demanded of me.

"Yes, I just went through all that effort of getting ready to just sleep again." I responded without even opening my eyes.

She snorted, "Just for that, I'm not waking you up in time for breakfast."

I cracked one eye open and spied Dorcas, doing her homework on her bed, "That's fine, I'll just get Dorcas to do it. She's my new best friend." I retorted childishly.

"All that was missing from that delightful piece of dialogue was a funny face," Lily replied, flopping down on her bed and looking disapprovingly at Dorcas, "Is that homework Dora?"

Dorcas looking up nervously, not forgetting Lily's laws about homework, after all what kind of perfect would she be if she let us get away without doing our homework. "Aw Lils its just potions." She replied, hastily.

A collective "Oh fuck" rose from mine and Alice's lips, Lily looked around startled, "Did you forget to revise?" She asked, after a sigh escaped from her, "I reminded you yesterday Cat." She said, narrowing her eyes at me.

"I was distracted!" I protested, looking pleadingly at her. I knew this would work, of course she'd let me copy her. Well, I hoped to Merlin she would.

"Oh yeah, wasn't everyone? That little display Black had going on had everyone a bit flustered." Marley drawled with her low voice from her bed, she had been watching the conversation with bored eyes and now her blue eyes were lit with an amused sparkle.

I was confused, what had Marley so excited? "Huh?" was my intelligible response.

She looked at me like I had gone bloody mad or something, I shifted my gaze to Alice she was smirking, a look that didn't sit right on her angelic face and Lily just looked bored. Dorcas was grinning like an idiot.

"Don't play dumb Cat, it doesn't suit you. Black had a lot of skin on display! It was practically indecent; I mean the amount of girls staring at him." She replied with a dreamy look on her face. I didn't like it, she made him sound dirty, and it wasn't like that. He was just confident with his body and didn't mind it on show. If you've got it, flaunt it. Only I was allowed to offend Black, well I couldn't really stop Lily and James but at least they didn't do it in a perverted way.

"I personally didn't notice Marlene, to be frank I have better things to do than go around and ogle every boys stomach on display." I said coolly. I was quite proud of myself if I do say so; it was a very Lily-esque answer.

She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and replied, "Defensive much?"

Lily snorted, "Oh please Mckinnon, stop picking fights with everyone because John broke up with you last month," she paused in her sentence, applying some lip-gloss to her bottom lip and continued, "It's rather inconsiderate." She finished, looking pityingly at Marley before lifting her bag and asking politely, "everyone ready to go."

She didn't need to ask me twice. I followed her out the door in seconds, Alice come too bounding along, I swear that girl takes caffeine in the shower. Dorcas came next, her nose still buried in her book, her curls peeking out the top of the book. Coming up the rear was Marley, striding along obviously in a huff, I felt bad. She didn't really deserve that barb at her messy relationship but did I mention Lily isn't really a morning person?

At Breakfast, we were eating in silence.. breakfast is the most important meal of the day or so Dorcas keeps telling us. I swear these guys were dictators in a pass life, I thought bitterly swallowing my cereal. Sirius, Remus and Peter came trailing soon after, Sirius full of energy as usual, Remus walking slowly and thoughtfully and Peter trying to keep up with Sirius.

They planted themselves to my left; Lily grimaced at Sirius' close proximity to her and moved to be closer to Remus. Dorcas smile faded slightly at this movement but she continued to politely listen to Alice's latest story on Frank. I myself was distracted with Sirius' elbow digging into my rib, ""Ow!" I hissed at him.

He just grinned at me, "Morning Kitty."

I ignored him, he always, always calls me Kitty, it annoys me to no end. For one it is not my name, and another it makes me sound like some defenceless, meek animal. I am aware that Cat isn't much better, but it doesn't sound as pathetic as Kitty.

Just as I'm about to response, James comes running up to us in, still in full Quidditch gear demanding our attention, "James, please shower." I interrupted; the smell of sweat assaulted my senses.

"Potter, you are incredibly rude." Came a voice, presumably Lily's from across the table.

"Yeah.." Sirius started before James interrupted him.

"I HAVE THE BEST NEWS." He shouted, trying to grab all our attentions.

I can't wait, it's probably something to do with the Chudley Cannons for Merlins sake, I thought rolling my eyes, the boy is deranged.

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AN: Thanks for reading, Reviews for an extremely nervous first time Mauarders fan?

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